| Rub it in, why don't you. |
[Tue - 07.07.09 @ 3:31pm] |
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mood |
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 ugh. |
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music |
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harbour music. |
] |
You know that feeling like you're in quicksand, but you're not sinking, you're just stuck? Like, you just wish the swamp would make up its mind already, and either suck you under or let you go. But instead it just keeps you immobile, and you're left to feel useless and helpless where you are, but forced to look at the land around you that would support you under your feet if you could only. Just. Get. There.
I'm very tired of being neither here nor there.
I'm tired of being in a season that I can't seem to get from it what I need, and having constant reminders of a season to come, but which is still very much out of reach.
[/feeling anything.]
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[Mon - 07.06.09 @ 4:06pm] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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Everytime I see the HP6 trailer, I get full body chills.
It looks like I'll be going to see the movie alone, but I don't really care.
I cannot wait!
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| Writer's Block: Childhood Firsts |
[Wed - 07.01.09 @ 6:03pm] |
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music |
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The Myriad- You Waste Time Like a Grandfather Clock |
] |
"Goya".
Apparently, I've been a food lover since the very beginning!
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| Yep, of course my clock says 1:23. What else would it say? |
[Thu - 06.25.09 @ 1:16am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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I can hear the bass from my brother's stereo through my wall |
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Today was awesome. I literally spent the entirety of it with God. Holy Spirit is the coolest person, ever. I love hanging out with Him!
I really want to get back into things with Zee. Because of all the changes that happened with the worship team, I haven't been wanting to play as much, just for the fact that they're not moving as prophetically anymore, and I feel musically stifled at times. So today I had the urge to take Zee out of his case and just play for the Lord. So I put on Rick Pino and Kari Jobe unplugged and just played for Him for a while. It was liberating to feel like I was doing what I was meant to do, again, and I got totally high from the Spirit in the process. It was a great combination.
Also, right before I had gotten tendonitis, I was starting a Bach partita (I mean literally JUST started...didn't even have all the bowings and fingerings written in, yet!) and I really like it. I wonder if I can discipline myself enough to get back into a practicing schedule and somehow maintain contact with my classical roots?
This coming from the girl who never practiced responsibly my whole life. But we shall see...maybe my lack of violining responsibilities will motivate me more...in a weird backwards kinda way.
Oh yeah! Totally forgot to mention, I finally named my violin!
I've had this thing since my sophomore year of high school, and never named him. Strange, because anyone that knows me will tell you I name everything...statues, body parts, knicknacks, pens, cars, etcetera.
About two years ago, I had my first prophetic dream from the Lord. In a nutshell, the dream basically showed me my ministry through the scripture Ezekiel 3:5, and ever since then, I kinda wanted to name my violin Ezekiel (Zee, for short), but never did.
So finally, a few months ago, it kept coming back up in my mind. And one night as I was thinking about this, Lydia asked me if I named my violin, yet. So I laughed because I saw what God was up to, and I finally caved and just named him.
But what's really funny is shortly after I named Zee, God confirmed to me in a ridiculous way that my ministry (the music side of it, anyway) is strictly prophetic worship. Not much longer after that, Ashley was giving away clothes she doesn't wear anymore. She had this one shirt that I knew immediately that I wanted...it's a longsleeve silver shirt with the brand name "Ezekiel" stitched over my heart.
And the craziest part about that...
The color silver represents prophecy and prophetic moves of God, it's Ezekiel brand which is the name of my violin, in which I'm called to use in prophetic worship AND Ezekiel was the scripture from my first ever prophetic dream.
God's so funny how He knits things together like that. Only Him.
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| "I see your face in every sunrise, the colors of the morning are inside your eyes..." |
[Sun - 06.21.09 @ 11:09pm] |
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mood |
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 peace, finally! |
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music |
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"You're Beautiful"- Phil Wickham |
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The past 24 hours have been an emotional rollercoaster. I sometimes forget that before and after an amazing lifechanging encounter, the enemy gets red in the face with rage and lashes out to try and break my momentum.
Nice try devil, but you still suck. Hah.
Well, it really started when I got Sozo'd last Monday...without going into unnecessary detail, Sozo is a Greek word that is used in scripture when referring to healing, deliverance, and freedom. It's basically a therapy session where your therapist is The Holy Spirit, and someone's just there to ask the questions. It's AMAZING. Details another time. Anyway...
At the end of the session, Giovanni handed me a twenty dollar bill, said the Holy Spirit told him to buy me "Goodmorning, Holy Spirit" by Benny Hinn, that it would change my life.
Well, it's CHANGING MY LIFE. Seriously. But I digress.
After Sozo, Lydia and I went to eat at Golden Corral (Holy Ghost munchies, bwahaha), got the book, and headed to the beach. We just laid there and soaked in His presence which was so intense. Amazing how much everything changed in an instant when I began to see Holy Spirit as a PERSON and not an "it" or "thing". It's like He was like, "FINALLY, you acknowledge me! Now I can really be all over all the time!" Yusss. Thank you very much.
Anyway, after a while, I had flipped over to my stomach and as I was laying there, I suddenly felt the wind change how it was hitting me. It was blowing only on my lower back and nowhere else on my body (so weird). It was the strangest sensation, and the first thing that came to my mind was "He's giving me wings!" But I kept it to myself. Lydia sat up and said, "Just a question...did you by any chance feel something on your back?" I was like, "...yes..." and she continued, "Yeah, in the Spirit, I saw something touch your back..."
I just kinda looked at her, not knowing what to say. Then she said, "I think He gave you wings..."
And then I remembered from my Sozo session that when I asked "Holy Spirit, would you like to take me someplace fun?" I had a vision of Him taking me flying over the beach and the water, and I saw Him become wings on my back that were carrying me.
MAD CRAZY.
And THEN, I remembered my livejournal name and started laughing, because when I deleted my first livejournal and created this one, I named it according to the fact that I wanted to truly start walking upright with the Lord, to "earn my wings" with Him, so to speak.
And now I realize I have earned them. Bwahahah.
Only with God. I'm telling you, there's never a dull moment.
So yeah. It's been amazing, until the attacks came. The devil is so freaking uncreative. You'd think he'd get new repertoire after being around since the dawn of creation, but whatever.
He basically attacked me with everything I used to struggle with because I was sharing advice with others about what I'd been through because they were going through it, now.
But it was INTENSE.
I've never been suicidal, and I won't say I was last night, but it was one of those few moments where I truly just wished I could just keil over and die right then and there. I was SO oppressed, all these horrible thoughts were flooding my mind and my heart felt like a thousand pounds. My head was so loud. I felt evil pressing in around me. My chest felt NOT GOOD (my dad died from a heart attack, and now my grandmother just got admitted to the hospital for emergency open heart surgery, so the fear that I could have some genetic defect was coming over me).I was so frustrated to the point where crying became just silent screaming and tears. It was BAD.
But God is faithful. It's like I FELT light enter the room, I could almost SEE it flood in and demons shrieking and running away. I felt the Holy Spirit sit on the bed next to me and hold me, and everything melted away.
Of course, during this whole ordeal, God was telling me to call Lydia, but I was being stubborn, I didn't want to be "weak" and ask for help. Of course, I ended up texting her anyway, and she insisted she come over. So she came over and she prayed for me.
Whatever was still left clinging to me broke totally off. God invaded my bedroom. As a result, we both got totally stoned from His presence. I couldn't even open my eyes or speak in complete sentences, I was so high. I could only laugh uncontrollably. It was wonderful.
Holy Spirit's like my personal dealer, now. And He's got the best stuff at no charge. It's fabulous :D
I'll stop here for now, before this becomes a novel.
Not bad for my first real entry in a while, eh?
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| Okay, I'm sorry, this is like my third or fourth post, I'm bad! |
[Sat - 06.20.09 @ 11:14pm] |
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music |
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kari jobe and rick pino |
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I just am falling back in love with my livejournal, catching up with everyone and rereading old entries. I forgot how close to my heart this thing was.
Trying to figure out exactly why I left for so long...well, when I got tendonitis the second time, I shyed away from the computer for over a month. Then I got a facebook and was sucked into that.
Then my life got so congested with craziness that it seemed pointless to try and get it all out on cyberspace. Livejournal seemed so unimportant.
Well, it IS, but the people on it aren't unimportant.
Shame on me. I miss you all so much. Can I rekindle the lj flame?
I think it's worth a shot.
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| Oh, and... |
[Sat - 06.20.09 @ 2:38pm] |
I wish I had the patience to journal like this, again...
http://community.livejournal.com/jr__nal/4559900.html?view=74555676#t74555676
Unfortunately (or fortunately), my life is so busy that when I write in my journal, I just...well, write. That's all I have room for. I don't know if I'd ever keep an accurate record of my thoughts/life if I stopped to draw; it wouldn't all get recorded.
Man, this reminds me of high school.
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| I feel like my hands perpetually smell like shrimp and salmon. |
[Sat - 06.20.09 @ 2:26pm] |
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mood |
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excited |
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"Good Morning, Holy Spirit" by Benny Hinn = amazing. It's changing my life. READ IT.
Miraculous answer to prayer: someone wants to fund Pastor Eileen's ministry by upwards of seven digits! They have the same vision to create a place for women, teens, prostitutes, to come and live, and get 24/7 counseling.
Looks like I won't have to look far for my dream job when I graduate in the Spring. Huzzah! Thank you, Daddy :-)
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| Oh, p.s. |
[Mon - 06.08.09 @ 1:49pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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I got to preach for the first time ever in April at Fusion Youth service! Then I was invited to someone's homechurch to preach, and now I'm preaching at my home ministry (The Edge) on Thursday!
God's been blasting me off, I've been totally amazed and humbled at the revelation He's been giving me about His word. It's truly from God, it's so fresh and new.
Anyway, if you pray, please pray for me for Thursday (the message God gave me to bring is really intense!)
And also if any of you wanted to hear my debut as a Preacha Woman (haha), let me know and I can email it to you!
I was fighting whether or not it was prideful of me to post this offer on lj, but God keeps reminding me that it's not MY preaching or MY message, it's His. And it's meant to be shared because we all need a reminder.
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earn_my_wings's journal